Came here to film birds, you say?!

What?! Birds? You’ve ever seen a penguin dropping shit on you people from above, no? Bro, you’ve ever seen a penguin HOVER, no? We can’t even walk prop’ly, we stumble and fall, victims to gravity. A penguin fallen is as good as dead here. We’re fish with fur, beak and rudder.

I’ve swam with Red October. Saw Sean Connery like I see you standing there. I told that story to Tom Clancy, the bastard never mentioned me in the credits.

Don’t give me that bum beef about the bird, I’ve seen bird. Penguins ain’t like that.

What d’you mean, we can’t be fish ’cause we eat fish?! You men kill your own, it doesn’t make you frigging aliens! We kill fish, but with class. Look at my tuxedo. We are James Bonds among the fish.

Whatcha gaping at? Never saw a talking penguin? That’s ’cause we had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Warner Bros. to have “Happy Feet” filmed here. Didn’t want any Russian-speaking penguins on the set. 

Now, pack up and sledge away. No tuxedo, no party. Go now ’cause some of the guys behind may think you’re an orange sent to be freshly pressed. And tell those idiots who gave you this suit, gotta be black with white tie next time. Go!

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