A willie SHALL NOT be used as a handrail!

Daily writing challenges get cruel. I have 10 minutes to write a post. They say, Set a timer for ten minutes. Open a new post. Start the timer, and start writing. When the timer goes off, publish. 

The first thing a man thinks about in a stressful situation is universally related to Penis. In some way. So, it will be a post about art (because this is a blog about art appreciation) and penis (because I am time pressed).

Modern kids are protected by laws and Disney from the bloody horrors of Greek myths and the incessant incestant activities of Olympic gods. I am certain sex used to be on the  roster of Olympic sports. Men competed naked then! Why would they be shaking their willies if sex was not on the agenda? An exemplary citizen of those times would be seen as a dangerous maniac today for his love of 12-year-old boys. An ancient Greek hero would be a contemporary war criminal! Take Hercules, who was so high on steroids, he substituted sex with killing people and endangered animals.

Those, who in the absence of parental control where made to study Greek myths, couldn’t miss the thriller of Hercules and his “Labours”. On his “mission impossible” No.8, Hercules was sent to bring over horses from King Diomedes, the horses rightful owner. To justify the heist, Diomedes had been accused of making his horses stick to a diet consisting of human flesh. No one would believe this lame excuse for a robbery today, and, quite possibly, even then you didn’t have to be Socrates to have some doubt about the concept of carnivorous horses. Sadly for Diomedes, if a man on steroids can believe the drugs he’s using are not harmful, he can be made to believe anything.

Hercules went there, broke in the stables, got the horses, and took them to his ship. Diomedes, simmering with external indignation and bursting with internal “WTFs” went after Hercules to ask for the horses to be returned. Who wouldn’t? Diomedes took a whole army with him, to support his arguments. Alas, Hercules wouldn’t listen. He killed everyone in Diomedes’s army and then threw the man himself to his horses, as a dessert.

The cruelty of Hercules went largely unexplained for most of human history, until 1550, when Vincenzo de’Rossi, a Florentine sculptor (currently believed to be the author of some statues previously attributed to Michelangelo), made this:

Vincenzo de’Rossi, 1550. Hercules and Diomedes. Florence. Palazzo Vecchio.

Yes. That does teach a man a lesson: if you are naked (high hats, baseball caps or crowns do not count) AND a strong man heaves you head over heels:

  • make sure you’ve had your private parts washed, deodorized and preferably made looking smaller than those of the strong man, for the chance to do it all during the fight are slim.
  • do not, under any circumstance, use the strong man’s willie for holding your weight or balance
  • if, inadvertently, your hand gets rested on the strong man’s wille (because it has nothing else to do while you are being strangled, do not gurgle out “Wow, I thought a strong man’s willie would be bigger!” or similar. Giggling should be avoided at any cost.

You see, even an ancient myth and some Renaissance art can teach a modern man a relevant lesson!

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13 thoughts on “A willie SHALL NOT be used as a handrail!

  1. naturelands

    Oh, my God, this is so funny! I wish you would write about all Hercules’ labours like that! Could even publish it as a book, you know. Would be much more fun to read, that’s for sure! Where did you get this stature from?

    Reply
  2. Akmerf

    hey you, my cheeks hurt from laughing!)) And I pray my male colleagues will not use the phrase ‘I’m time pressed’ at least several days))

    Reply
  3. outsideauthority

    Very funny, the 10 minute rule suits you. Hercules has a rather odd expression there, although this could be explained by having his nethers grappled with, I wouldn’t know. Oh and thank you, you’ve diagnosed my recurring complaint. I’ve been suffering from internal ‘WTFs’ brought on by excessive local government office work.

    Reply
    1. artmoscow Post author

      Thank you )

      It is important to monitor the Internal WTFs syndrome to prevent its development to the acute state, which is called the “Hemorrhagic WTFs”. It manifests itself by an uncontrolled outflow of WTFs and other Fs, often towards fellow humans caught unaware of the causes of this illness.

      Reply

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